


hell will always come before you grow

by pawn_vs_player



Series: Select File: DFT//:R3d3mpt10n_+_D3t3rm1n4t10n [2]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alphys Needs a Hug, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Disorder, Anxious Alphys, Brainwashing Aftermath & Recovery, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Epic Friendship, Flashbacks, Flowey is not as much of a dick as he could be, Frisk Has Issues, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm so tired, Identity Issues, Intrusive Thoughts, Male-Female Friendship, Memory Loss, Mental Health Issues, POV Alphys, POV Sans, POV Second Person, Past Brainwashing, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pseudo-Sibling Relationship, References to Depression, References to Undertale Genocide Route, Sans Has Issues, Sans Needs A Hug, Stream of Consciousness, Undertale Pacifist Route, Undertale Saves and Resets, past abusive relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-08 05:51:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11075349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pawn_vs_player/pseuds/pawn_vs_player
Summary: guiltɡiltnoun1.the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime.for·give·nessˌfərˈɡivnəsnounthe action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.In which Sans is really not okay, Flowey wants to see the sun and not get stabbed, Alphys wants her life back, and Frisk wants everything to be alright again.But we all know the chances of that happening, don't we?((title from Imagine Dragons' "Roots".))





	1. saw what i'd done (sang about what i'd become)

**Author's Note:**

> *Iiiiiiit's the author's summer vacation!! So writing galore time. :D  
> *This wasn't actually supposed to BE in chapters, but today is the last day of this draft being saved by the Archive and the author is not going through uploading, retagging, and rewriting this for a fourth time without any of their efforts seeing the light of publication.  
> *They hope you enjoy this section of Redemption Route!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sans enters the Lab and his brain runs wild on him.  
> *(Watch for rogue spoilers!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *The chapter title is from Florence + The Machine's "Bird Song".

The Lab looms above you like a merciless giant, waiting to stomp down and crush you. You want to turn back, but you want to make amends more.

You can't be a coward forever.

You feel the cameras focusing in on you as you approach the door. You are taken by surprise when they open; you'd honestly been expecting her to lock you out.

It's what you would have done, you think. If she'd done to you what you've done to her. _Y o u w e r e a g o o d p a r t n e r . Y o u d i d a s y o u w e r e t o l d ._ **_S h e_ ** _w a s t h e p r o b l e m , n o t y o u ._ You would have hidden away and worked through it until you could look her in the face and say "i forgive you" without it being a lie.

She's always been better than you. _T h a t ' s w h y s h e n e e d s t o g o ._

Your slippers are silent on the tiled floor. You tilt back your head, look up at the florescent lighting. You remember-

No. No, no more. No more of those memories. No more of that. _W h y n o t ? T h o s e w e r e t h e b e s t t i m e s !_ That, that's not you, that isn't you anymore. **_L i a r_** **_._** This, right now, standing here with one LV and clean hands, this is you. _F o r n o w . Y o u ' l l r e t u r n t o y o u r_ ** _t r u e_** _s e l f s o o n e n o u g h ._

You listen. The machines hum, the lights buzz, the escalators whirr. You don't hear any sounds of people. _J u s t l i k e i t s h o u l d b e ._

Maybe she's downstairs. Maybe the Amalgamates are hungry.

But...

Do you have the right to go down there?

That's her private space. That's where all her darkest secrets go to hide. After everything that you've done to her, to everyone... how can you have any right to go there? _Y o u m a k e y o u r o w n r i g h t s . I f y o u w a n t t o d o s o m e t h i n g , y o u c a n . Y o u m a k e t h e r u l e s ._

No, you decide. No, you don't have the right to go down there, to intrude on her. _S i l l y b o n e s ! Y o u r w i l l i s a l l t h a t m a t t e r s ! Y o u r p a r t n e r t a u g h t y o u t h a t , r e m e m b e r ?_

You'll wait her. Upstairs. It's a public place, you're allowed to be here. You'll just- you can wait. You will wait. You'll just sit down here, and you won't touch anything, and you'll wait. That's okay, right?

That has to be okay. You don't know what else to do.

 

The Lab is not silent. There’s a constant hum of machinery, the thrum and clack of the escalators and the whirr of the fans and the static hissing of the display screens. It's never silent.

It's a comfort, the constant white noise. You used to like silence, locked in your basement lab; it meant you were alone to do whatever you wanted.

Now...

It's not that you don't  _want_ the freedom of choice, not exactly, it's that-

Well-

You're not totally sure how that works anymore.  _D o n ' t **l i e** , p a r t n e r . Y o u l o v e d h a v i n g a l l y o u r c h o i c e s m a d e f o r y o u ._

You know.

The choosing thing.

But - well - 

Frisk still has to break the Barrier. There are still steps to follow, a script to use. You don't need to start making choices just yet.

....Except that you do. Because you're here, breaking the script, to throw yourself on your  ~~sister's~~ best friend's mercy and the mercy of a soulless flower that you might have been friends with once upon a time.

You want to leave. You could. She hasn't come yet, she doesn't necessarily know you're here. You could flee and push this off, stick to the script and not worry about independence for a while longer.

You sigh.

No, you can't. Putting it off will only make this more difficult.  _I f y o u k i l l h e r , y o u ' l l n e v e r h a v e t o h a v e t h i s c o n v e r s a t i o n ._

You fiddle with the strings of your hoodie and stare at the tiled floor. It's almost funny, the floor; it's never changed once in all the years you've been in the Underground, never changed through all the Resets Frisk and Chara pulled. It's a constant. 

You remember-

I̡̛͚͚͖͖͚̣̣͇͓̖̭͘͡͝ͅş̸̜̹͓̫̱͚͈͇̲̤̩͔͚͜-̶̠̜̻͈͖̱͚̭͢͞ͅ ̴̡̱̟̬̻̫̺̰̟̬͉͈͉̳͔̜̺̻͠ͅi͡҉̰̲̞̤̱̼̞͚̩̟ͅs̢̜̤̙̺̩̞̟̼̺̱͖̲̝̖͢ͅ ̨̕͘͠҉̭̮̟̠̺̪̻͔t͈͖̙̖̘̩̳̩͘͠ͅh̪̠̰̮̲̮͚͝͝a̸̶̢̘̺̖t̲͔̫̯ ̸̭͈̪̞̟͇̹͚͉̻̭͝͠m͙͍͉̩̲̯̺̰̬̥̰̜͇̘̬̯͍̕͟͜y͞͏͕̹͚̙̲̘ ̨̩̜̳̩̖̳͚̥̰͚͖͖̹̖͔̰̝̣f̴̵̤̣̥͇̙͖͍̙͈̥̱͘u̠̣̺͙̠̩͇̗̰̲͠͡͡͡ͅc͓͕̳̬̙̭͓͚̬̳̰͇̘̞͟k̵͘͝҉͏͔̬̳̬̥͓̫̻̤̝i͏̝̝̥͙̩̲͡n͏̟̟̼͚̮̪̙̰͔͜͞ͅģ̳̬͚̬̰͟ ͈̳̞̲͇̗̗̫͙̲̤̕͘ _b̸̶̶҉̟͚͎͍̬̙͖̫̙̻̯̦̪̼ͅo͏̤̮̠͍̖̤̤͠ͅd͏̭̬̝͚͕̻̕ͅy̶͏̨͓̱̗̫͈_?̛̞̪̤͖͔͇̫̻̳͇ ̵̡͜҉̖̬̫̰͖̺̟̟̤̭̞͕̲͙̟̪̣͉̣I̡͢͏̭̖̰͓̳̬̤̗͇̭̞͖̫̪̲̥̝̬̼͟'͏̩̞̜͙̞͢͞ͅͅm̸̵̛̭͎̬̤̞̺͚̟̰̗̦̗̪̺̹̱̹͘ͅ ̷҉͎͖̟̮͇̗̲͍̩ͅd̵̸̵̡̩̹͎̱̠͉̖̪̱͕̹e̷̡̛͕̦̯̱̮̤̜͚̬̞̞̝̺͙̗a̶̡̱͚̮̞̪͎̝͢͜d͝҉̠͎̤̭̜̮͓̪ͅ?̟̗̱̗̘͈̙͍͘͡!̢̜͈̦͎̮͈̙͈̹̦̝͠͞ ̸̡̖̰̣̗̹͔̘̟̗̝̯͔̠͠͠W̟̖̞̩͉͉͙͉̘̥̕͢͢͞h̶̢̨҉̘͉̲̗̱̪͟a͖̼̗̬̙̬͍̩̖̯̘̪̱̗̳͢t҉͕̗̲͔̮͔̠̕͘͡ ̵̰̬̳̫̭͇̼̦̹̘͙̻̳̹ͅṭ̸̵̷̡̛̖̰̮͙̻̭̣̫͉͔̣̲̦̪̥ḩ̴̛̬̬̘̬͚͚̳͓̬̩̯͚̝̼̬͎ͅȩ͘͜҉̰̜͔͚̤̼̻̼͚̩̗͚̻̹ ̢̱̥̪͈̟͓̕͢͞h̵̷̢̦̹̼̳̣͉̬̟̜̪͍͉̟̠͚̭͡ͅe̴͏̵̶͇̰͉̯͕͕̰̱̻̰̬̦̺̪̻̙̣̲̮l̸̛̝̖͇̜͎̯͜͢ͅl̸̦̯̫̹̝͞!̶͏̶̜͔̬͎̼̩̱̪̘̹͞

D̢̧̢͇̼͉̲̗̞͚̮̜͡͡o̴̦̦̤̜͚̼͚̱̦͕̻͇͈̣̞̭̻͖͝n͠͝҉̸̖̟͕͔͚̪͓̘͓̼̘̱͙̦̠̯̰ͅ'̧̙͓̝̜̭͍̲̳̘̭̝̯̫̘̰̟ͅt̨̛̬̭̭͖̞̜ ̦̬͉͙̲̥͓͍͍̗͢͠t̷͏̗̪͎̙̱̙̕͜o̷̪͓̗̺͝ư̱͕̖͎͎̩̝̣̼̤͇̱͇̗͙̖̝͜͢͡c̶̡̩͖̳̘͝h͏̹͉͕̬̜̜̝̻̹̞̕ ̛͈̣̜̻͎͈̜̺̻͖͎̥̹͉͖̰ṃ̶͚̞̖̠̠̥̻͚̬̺̯̖̼͘ͅe̸̴̗̮̫͕̭͈̪̬͖̖̳̯̦͇̲̝͈̹!̴̛҉̨̦͇̮̳̻͍̼̹̥̱̪͇̗͖̣͎͈͈ ̶̡͎̩̥͔̺̣L̗̠͖̪̱̟̫̱̖̩̰̖̣̻̪̱͈̞͜ę̡͍̟̳͚t̡̛̼̲͎̮̩͜ͅ ̵͠҉̧̘͖͈͉̱͎̬̩̝̩̗͍̹̦̮͇̙g̶̴̛͙̣̰o̜̞͉̞͕̥͞͡!͝͏̡҉͔̲̰̮͍̦̳̜͇͍͉̼̫̖̻̫̘ͅ

W̧̧̢̲͕̥̻̙͚̞͎̦͉̳̝̠̥͚̥͜h̶̨̧͕̱̤̗͈͍̬͍̦̬͟͟e̱̲͍̱̜͔͙̤̹̱̬͕͈̩̣̰͟r̷͓̼͚͍̟̟̞̝̗̙͈͕ͅͅe̝̭͖̭̺͜͠ ̶̴̴̝͓̳̹̯͍̯̮͔͍̮̥̰͢i̸̧͙͖̞̱͎̟̹̺̲̲̥͚̦͢s̷̢̡̛̙̻͖̼͖̻͖͈̪̫̫̠̣ ҉̬̙͈̱̫͇̯̝̪͚̩͝͝h̷͎̠̠͔̲̬͈͙͉̯̠͝͡ͅͅḙ̵͚̮̺͕̤͟?̶̪̗̙̱͕̭̞͈̪̥̺̱̦̬͙̳͞ ̵̵̛̖̪̱͓̯͎̖̹͎̘̭̖̘͝W̶̷̵͕̤̲̭͜͠h҉͖̘̩̰̯͓̰̩̙̤̜e̸͏̠͎̣̰̰͔͎͍̰͕͓̤̖̖̠̫͡ͅͅr̷̶̗̞͖̹̬̯̦̱̮̘͝͠ͅe̡̞̘̞̞͙̖̟͈̘̮̱̲͈͓̜͚͙̤͠ ͉͍̯͚̩̘͇͎̯̞̼̣̜̥͜͝͡ͅd̡̠͖̙̬͙̮͞͠ͅi̧̝̖̹̞͙̗͉͍̱̖͍͍̯͟͜d͙̤̱͓͘ ̷̸̟̠͎̜̖̺̝̭̻̥̼͙h̛҉͇̱͇͖̦e̡͏̸̢̡̦̲̞̩̥̖̫̹ ̞͔̤̕͢ͅg̷̜͓̭̱̣͇̫̭͢o̧̖͓̗͎̙̬̩̹͚͇̝͝ͅ?̛̤͓̪͇̭̩̮͖͖̠̟͠

W͍͚̰̤̹̗͎͟͡h̵̳̦̗̩̯͍̙͎̼̕͠ơ̡̠̠̮̤̩ ̸̡̬̬̬̟̦̰̜̬͚͓̩̕ͅṯ̨̥̠̻̹̪̰͍̫̲͓̰͇͚̤͞h͍̣̙̘̝̱̪̝͚̝͔̺͢͠ę̷̙̦̠̝͕̦̥̜͈̯͝͠ ̸̟͍̜̝̝͙̙̤͖̘̥̯̱̗͓͙͍͘f̨̕͏͍̹͖͕̩͎̭̹͇̠̭̯̻̖ͅu͏̸̨̡̜̥̘͕̦͚̦̭̬̹͎̰̱̪͎̳ͅc̷̣̞̤̼̣͓̙͞k̷̷̨̘͖̹̮̳̤̠͍͕̰̻̝̩͎̱͈͜ ͏̧͍̬̮̥̞̻̩̳̘̥̜̻͠a̴̧̛͍̮͈̮̤̣̪̣̺̱̱̹͍̙r̩̺̼͚̮̺̘̭̱̤̥̼̯̗͝ę̷̙̟̺̹̮̤̦͕̮͙̥͚̕̕ ̦̜͖̮͡y̨̪̠̩͓̯͓͖̖̠̫̖̰̲͙̞̫̜͡͠ͅọ̵̤̠͓̱͠u̟̗͈̘͕̠͍̣̰̟͇͔̕͟͢?̨̢̛̰̦͉̩͉̦̜̬̤͞

W̶̨̥͈̲͉̘͝͠h̴̟̳̣̖̫͚͖͖̤̭̙̞͉̫̯̰͉a̶̢̢̡̦͇̗͔̱̝t̢̛̲̺̘͚̯̜̗̗͈̠̮͠ ̡̜̟̦̗͉͎͎̺̗͟͟͢a͏̗̠̘͔̤̙̟̥͝͞r̸̝̯̩͓͍̙͜e͏̹̯̝̤̯̟̝͙͔̺̘͓͠ ̸̸̶͖͖͈̬̺̱̰̟͞y̶̶̳̝͉̳̼̜̹̠̕͠ͅͅo̝̭͕̘̗͎̰̦͖̰̱͔̝͓̦u̵̢͉̜̲̣͖̯̙͙͕̫͓̭̙͍̳̬͎͉͘̕͠ ̵͖͎̼̻͎̯̙͍̗D̤̹͙̖̤̱͖̼̦̯͈̱̠̘̗̞͜͝O̶̸̢̡̟̖̮͓̙̱̖̪͈͔̗I̭͈̻̱̞̬̹͇͉̭͘̕͟͞͝N̴̡͔̯̲̜̭̹̝̟͉͍͎̮͖͠͠Ģ̫̣̭̣̰̻͈̮̞͓̰̣̦̖̖̠̯͔?̶̨̛͎͖͎̗͉̮̤͎̬̜͚̙͉͟!̶̡̧̛̯͙̠͉̩͎͍̱̠̭

You blink.

No. No, you don't remember anything. 

...What were you thinking about?


	2. stitching up your circuit boards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alphys has PTSD but is still a good friend, Sans is still _really_ not okay (and, as usual, his narration is not always to be trusted), but they're getting better. Probably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Apparently midnight is the author's prime writing time.  
> *They give a resigned shrug.
> 
> *Chapter title is from Florence + The Machine's "Howl".

You wipe your forehead with your sleeve. "Th-that  _should_ hold," you decide, putting your wrench down. "I should g-get lunch. I'll bring you s-some chisps when I'm done."

"Your insistence on being nice to a murderer continues to baffle me," Flowey snips. He follows you to the elevator anyway. 

"Y-your insistence upon not murdering th-the person who r-ruined your afterlife continues to b-baffle  _me_ ," you reply. 

For once, he doesn't snap back at you. You are followed by silence as you enter the elevator.

You tap at your tablet on the ride up, accessing your camera network. It's silly, you know it's silly, but you - you can't breathe right unless you know where the human is. 

Frisk. Where Frisk is. This is Frisk, this time. The Frisk that's not going to kill anybody.

...Hopefully. 

But, hey, they hadn't killed anyone last time you checked! So that's good!

...How long has it been since you checked?

Stars, even a few minutes is long enough for - for - 

You wish your cameras loaded up faster.

...Okay. Okay. There's, there's no dust. The hu- Frisk,  _Frisk,_ is in Waterfall. They're with Papyrus. They're... going to Undyne's house.

Oh. OH! You remember this! This doesn't happen when people die. Okay. This is good. This, this is  _really_ good.

You smile shakily. You're about to turn the tablet off when the lab entrance alert beeps at you.

...It's been beeping for the past hour, because you haven't acknowledged it. Oh. Fantastic.

You tap, first to make it turn off, then to access the footage.

For a very brief moment, you can't breathe.

You feel the phantom of a bony hand on your back, and sharp ivory plunging into your chest.

You shake your head and squeeze the tablet. Solid, heavy. Real. Real. Present. Real.

...Okay.

You take a deep breath and look at the feed again, sped up to save time.

An hour ago, he walked through the front doors. He stood around awkwardly for a while, and then he stood around like a robot for a while (not like Mettaton, like the little ones that fall down sometimes, that wait for instructions and code before doing anything), and then he started shaking, and then- 

You pause the feed.

_They aren't here. He's safe. It's, it's just aftershocks. They're not going to come back for him._

After the shaking, he just... curled up in a corner. The feed switches to live. He's still there, but at least the trembling has lessened.

The elevator dings. You've reached your destination. 

You're not ready.

 

Your claws clench around the tablet.  _What, and he is? Someone ready for this would definitely be blanking out and shaking in a corner. Someone ready for this would definitely go unresponsive for substantial periods of time._

You tuck the tablet into the pocket of your labcoat and step out of the elevator. 

He needs you.

 

His head jerks up when he hears your clawed toes click across the floor. You barely smother your flinch at the sudden movement by reminding yourself that this is a good sign, that he's responding to changes in his environment like he wasn't for the last half hour.

You wave, awkward and nervous and hating yourself for it. "H-hey. I, um, I w-wasn't expecting you to sh-show up here."

He sits up a little straighter, but doesn't try getting to his feet. Judging by how fragile his smile looks, you think that's a good idea; he'd probably fall right back over, and without  _them_ and their corrupted DT here, you don't know if he'd be able to... to get back up.

"wasn't expecting you to let me in."

It takes you a moment to register the sound of his voice. Stars, it's... it's been a really, really long time since you've heard him talk to you. 

Without you wanting it, your eyes start to blur. 

"W-well, I, uh, well, I didn't th-think I needed to lock you o-out," you say, scratching at the back of your neck. You wince, drawing your hand away; you're nervous, and you're showing it. That can't be making him feel better. 

He pulls at his hoodie string and doesn't look at you. "that doesn't seem like you."

"W-what do you mean?" 

His voice is flat and blank. You almost preferred his silence; at least then you could remember what he sounded like when he was happy. "it doesn't seem like you to ignore a threat. you always got away before the kid found you. you always evacuated. doesn't really seem likely that you just... didn't think you needed to keep me out, too."

For a minute, you can do nothing but blankly stare. He continues fiddling with his hoodie and staring at the tiled floor like he's seeing your dust spread across it. 

"Oh, you dummy," you whisper finally, and drop to your knees beside him. He tenses, but he lets you put a hand on his shoulder, and then he lets you drag him against your chest and tuck his head against your shoulder and drop your face into his hood. 

"It's never been _you_ I was scared of."

"i hurt you," he whispers. His fingers clench tight in the back of your coat.

"No, you didn't. They did. They j-just used you to do it."

"it's not that easy, al." His skull nudges against your chin. "i, i didn't - i couldn't - i was s'posed to  _stop_ them, and instead i-"

"Shh," you tell him, smoothing your hand down his back. "It wasn't y-your fault.  _N-none_ of it was your fault. And you weren't the only one meant to s-stop them, remember? U-Undyne, and the rest of the guard, and Asgore - you can't just blame yourself."

He shakes his head into your collarbone. "i knew what they were," he mutters, muffled. "i'm the Judge. i-"

You sigh, rapping at the back of his head gently. "Shake those silly th-thoughts out of your skull, bonehead," you tell him fondly. The pun slips out without you even thinking about it. "You're guilty, a-aren't you? You can get better. But wallowing in despair d-doesn't help anyone."

Your hand pauses, buried in the fluff of his hood. You'd echoed old advice without even considering the source.

~~~~~~_h u s h n o w , a l p h y s . o n e m i s t a k e i s n o t t h e e n d o f t h e w o r l d . a n d e v e n i f i t w a s , w a l l o w i n g i n m i s e r y w o u l d n ' t h e l p a n y o n e ._ ~~

Judging by the tight grip of his fist, he knows who said that to you, so long ago. 

"i miss him."

"I do too."

You don't know how much time passes, the both of you curled up together on the cold tiles. You just know that you missed him terribly.

Eventually, of course, the quiet peace ends.

He pulls back a little, enough to look at you. His sockets are empty, but you aren't scared. He's the Judge. As much as you hate yourself, you know your soul is clean enough for him to spare you. The scales of the universe didn't count the Amalgamates and Flowey against you, even though you count them against yourself.

"i hear them."

You don't get it at first. "Wha-"

Your voice cuts off. 

"they aren't real, i don't think," he continues, knees drawing up between the two of you, forcing you to scoot away from him. "i just... i hear them, when i think. when i, when i try to - to choose."

Your hand finds its way back to his. Your claws tap against his digits as you lace your fingers together. 

"They're g-gone," you say finally. He squeezes your hand. "That d-doesn't erase what happened t-to you, though."

"i wish it did," he says, and it's been so long since you heard him cry that you almost don't recognize the sound.

This time, he hugs you. Your chin hooks over his shoulder and you hold him tight as he sobs shiny ectoplasm into your coat. You've had worse from Mettaton's tantrums, and this is far from the worst price you'll pay to comfort your ~~bro~~  best friend. 

"You'll get better," you promise, your own eyes welling up again. "I'm here for you. P-Papyrus is too. And T-Toriel is back, and Asgore, and Undyne, and F-F-Flowey, too, probably. You've got us, Sans. You're not a-alone now."

He doesn't reply, continuing to hide his tears in your coat. 

You hold onto him and you don't let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *(The author firmly refuses to admit to crying while writing this chapter.)  
> *If you liked the chapter, the author would really appreciate you commenting or giving a kudos!


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